Wednesday, March 27, 2013


The Rabbit Wars 


        If your daddy ate the Easter Bunny, youd be hopping mad too.

Like Kim Jong-un,
Karl Szmolinsky of  Eberswalde Germany faces a chilly Easter. His pride and joy,  Robert der Grosse, the largest rabbit in recorded Prussian history has been declared legally dead.  The 23 pound uberbunny went missing in North Korea seven years ago, after being sent to Pyongyang along with 11 others "with the aim of setting up a breeding program to alleviate famine,"

It was not to be. Instead of founding an Eastern Easter Bunny dynasty, Robert der Grosse had the ill fortune to arrive on the eve of Kim Jong Il's birthday banquet, and ended up as the Dear Leader's lunch.

"North Korea won't be getting any more rabbits from me, they don't even need to bother asking " Szmolinsky told Der Spiegel,  which says  he was due to travel to North Korea to set up the breeding farm, when a DPRK official called to thank the Meisterkaninchenz├╝chter for providing the Star of Juche's super-sized entre'.
While the Berlin embassy of the diminutive Hermit Kingdom Hasenpfepper fiend later issued a denial of the Guiding Sun Ray and  Invincible and Ever Triumphant  General's  alleged  lepicide, Robert der Grosse has not been seen since.


To add insult to past injury, Herr Smolinsky's  German Giant Grey  has been upstaged by a young bunny from Britain,  Sir King Darius, who already stands 4' 4" and weighs a thumping 50 pounds

That translates into fifteen kilograms of meat, and absent Pyongyang's orgy of lagomorphagy, the 12 Prussian bunnies dispatched in 2007 might by now have multiplied into a Malthusian integral of rabbit mass larger than I dare calculate.


The only problem with this sort of green revolution is that it takes a ton of vegetarian fodder to raise up a Guinness record holder. Szmolinsky notes of his 50 surviving charges: " You can't hang on to them... They cost a lot to feed."

Giantrabbit_small_2
Still, giant rabbbits remain easier to keep than horses, making it hard to see the merit of  high-biotech proposals to re-people the world  with Neanderthals , or revive the wooly mammouth. Why bother when  some descendant of young Darius or  Robert der Grosse will eventually fall into the hands of the  dreaded Acme Corporation.


Once the wascally Acme Corporation   sequences and de-Buggs bunny growth hormone, it can launch a new generation of  quality synthetic biology products designed to give Wyle E. Coyote a run for his money, and strike fear into the heart of Elmer Fudd.