BACK TO THE FUTURE WITH CLASSICAL CLIMATE POLICY

A CPAC STEMWINDER BY

ORBAN THE HUN, SIDEKICK OF   

 NOTED KGB CLIMATE DNIEPER VLADIMIR PUTIN 

HAS LEFT EVANGELICALS & EVERTRUMPERS ASKING IF A THEOGEOENGINEERING  INITIATIVE COULD SAVE WESTERN CIVILIZATION

FROM A NEW DARK AGE, OR AT LEAST

 GET IT OVER WITH?

  THIS ANCIENT QUESTION HAS BEEN ILLUMINATED BY A SCROLL  FROM HERCULANEUM RECENTLY

OFFERED ON E-BAY

IT ATTRIBUTES THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE ROMAN WARM PERIOD TO THE RISE AND FALL OF CLASSICAL CLIMATE MODELING

The scroll's anonymous author states that around the year LV, Rome's first climate model was commissioned by Emperor Nero Claudius Augustus Germanicus's Imperial Planetologist, Pliny The Much Younger, whom Nero ordered to issue colored wax shields to ordinary Romans  at gladiatorial contests in stadiums, so Rome could enjoy half-time arguments about climate change illustrated by a CXXVIII by XCVI pixel matrix of citizens brandishing colorful shields in the cheap seats.

In just a few seasons, gladiatorial climate debates with stadium wave displays became so popular that Nero decreed the construction of a special arena to house them, the Calorseum:

The Calorseum scroll's colophon suggests Roman climate communication skills remain unrivaled twenty centuries later.

The flat Earth finite element climate models of Nero's day were  animated by climate Augurs on the Rostrum orating Forum Fortranus code to a small army of abacus equipped slaves, termed Processori, seated behind shield-wielding plebeans. 

Modeling global temperature was simpler in classical Rome than today, because absent thermometers, the temperature scale used by Imperial climagogues comprised just three degrees of hot and cold:

Calor , or heat ( hence modern Calories ) equaled Plus 1

Frigiditas , or cold equaled Minus 1

Tepiditas   as Rome had no numeral for Zero, its mean temperature was Absolute Nero.

Timed by the beat of a rowing galley drum, the Processori would look over their colleagues shoulders, and by Calor to Frigiditas ratio intercomparison , decide which shield  there plebe should brandish to create a moving "stadium wave" image of classical climate change.

In a papyrus fragment in the Vatican Observatory library Pliny says the FORTRANUS coders persuaded the Senate to fund a model inter-comparison debate as part of a Saturnalia celebration,  as they expected their robust Anomali Thermae Orbis Terrarum augury would trash an Athenian team relying on Aristotles 3-climate zone model.

Unfortunately, the day of the debate dawned hot, so Nero decided  to henceforth base imperial climate policy on the intercomparison of the livers of sheep sacrificed to Jupiter and Neptune, and had both teams of climagogues thrown to the lions.