Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The Race Is Not Always To The Swift

Welcome to the website of The Special Climate Olympics!

To make the climate wars accessible to the Differently Facted and Otherwise Educated, from K to 12, the Committee has organized a variety of simple mental and physical challenges for individual bloggers and think tank teams. Since many consider science a religion, this Special Olympiad is open to Communitarians, Evangelicals,  Discovery Institute stakeholders, Vouduns Vertes, Unorthodox Zarthus & other carbon-offset fire worshipers, Young Earth Scientologists, and members of The Church of the Singularity of the Latter Day Saints, better known as the Nanomormons.

The traditional Climate Tug of War,  will center on the East Pole Olympic Village, EPOV on Ghana’s Prime Meridian Coast.

Directions to EPOV
Simply follow old London Olympics, signs to Greenwich and turn your amphibious vehicle south  on the Prime Meridian, and follow road signs and  Admiralty charts  until you arrive at the Equator

To reduce the carbon footprint of stadium lighting and ensure the participation of the Calendrically Challenged, the Special Winter Climate Olympics will be held in midsummer on the Greenland Icecap, or the adjacent Arctic sea ice, if there is any.

Cable TV sponsorship is sought for the following events.

The Dryathelon
Competitors face the tactical problem of pursuing a polar bear across Greenland’s new dunes on sand skis to shoot it before it succumbs to anthropogenic drought induced thirst.

Narwhal Lawn Darts 
This ambitious amphibious sport replaces the last Special Climate Olympiad's quadriplegic harpooning event. In it, athletes strive to fling a beached pod of the cetaceans far enough out of the water to stick upright in the sand on their unicorn-like horns.

The Solyndra House Of The Rising Sun Challenge Cup

In this event contestants attempt to negotiate a vertical glass solar collector wall to avoid incineration by the ascending image of the rising sun. Open to alternative energy lobbyists handicapped in proportion to their moral stature.

The Moulin Blues
This extreme ice water sport features two water polo teams vying to score goals before they are sucked into the deep aquamarine vortex draining a melt water lake atop the Greenland icecap.

The Eskimo Hockey Stick Toss

In this exciting variant on an old Native American sport, a two-meter square of rubber graph paper is stretched between four hockey sticks and used to trampoline a TV weatherman skyward towards the tropopause. The first contestant to asphyxiate wins.

The Great Isotherm Race.
In this signature event for the Terminally Othered, dysrophic contestants try to chin their wheelchairs Poleward as fast as the rate of AGW isotherm migration across the 5 km course. Starting gun 21 June, finish expected in time for closing  awards ceremony of 2024 Boston Olympics


To promote a high carbon capture lifestyle, food concessions at this Olympiad will feature salt and sugar-free fossil foods, like fresh-fracked anthracite, and lignite smoothies,

Bernstein’s Real Amber Ale, brewed from real Baltic amber will be available in the pub.