BRIEFING RECYCLED FROM UNREAD MEMO TO PRESIDENT BUCHANAN
FOUND IN LINCOLN BEDROOM
President Trump was briefed yesterday on the latest scientific news to come to the attention of Pat Buchanan, who focused his two minute slideshow on British reports of John Tyndall FRS demonstrating the absorption of warmth by gases released by steam engines & blast furnaces to the Royal Society, news the former Nixon speechwriter thinks urgent because East Coast liberals like Whig ex-President James Buchanan have denied it.FOUND IN LINCOLN BEDROOM
The pundit says that being Pennsylvanian, his presidential namesake is intimately familiar with the strategic importance of coal and the new-fangled Titusville Rock Oil in sustaining the Age of Steam, and shares the Whig Base's indigation at the impious suggestion that God-given resources can somehow vitiate Scripture, and alter the Postdiluvocene climate.
In his State Of The Union message the President lamented the coal states vulnerability to alternative fuels touted by Nantucket whaling magnates, Newfoundland seal-harvesters and other Northerners, and proposed a compromise, in which Kansas and Missouri are admitted to the Union as whale oil free states.
"All for which the States have ever contended, is to be let alone and permitted to manage their domestic institutions in their own way. As sovereign States, they, and they alone, are responsible before God and the world for the bounty [of steam-coal ] existing among them. For this the [whalers] of the North are not more responsible and have no more right to interfere than with similar resources and practices in Russia or in Brazil "
Citing oeconomic concerns that America is approaching Peak Wood, the President chided Illinois Congressman Abraham Lincoln for being in thrall to rail-splitting interests, and dismissed his suggestion that a Presidential Office Of Natural Philosophy Policy might be of advantage to the Executive, saying:
" What do you think I am, sir ! Some sort of Scientific Republican ? "
“It is beyond the power of any president, no matter what may be his own political proclivities, to restore a return to [wood-burning] among the states. Wisely limited and restrained as is his power under our Constitution and laws, he alone can accomplish but little for good or for evil on such a momentous question.”
President Buchanan dismissed testimonials to Tyndall from Profs. Silliman of Yale & Agassiz of Harvard College as the work of known Geognostics, who authored the disasterous proposal to defend the Alamo by building a Quincy granite wall along the Mexican Border, and originated specious warming theories based on the works of Erasmus Darwin, and the French elitist & suspected Libertinarian Baron Fourier.
Freed from the onerous intelectual workload of McLaughlin Group broadcasts , Pat will now be able to tutor the President weekly, and expects to continue with a briefing on molecular biology, as soon as the heliostatic semaphore internet brings word of the discovery of molecules from the Continent.
Freed from the onerous intelectual workload of McLaughlin Group broadcasts , Pat will now be able to tutor the President weekly, and expects to continue with a briefing on molecular biology, as soon as the heliostatic semaphore internet brings word of the discovery of molecules from the Continent.