Sunday, January 22, 2017


President  Trump  was  briefed yesterday on the latest scientific news to come to the attention of Pat Buchanan, who focused his two minute slideshow on British reports  of   John  Tyndall  FRS demonstrating the absorption of warmth  by  gases  released  by steam engines & blast furnaces to the Royal Society, news the former Nixon speechwriter thinks urgent because  East Coast liberals like Whig ex-President  James Buchanan have denied it.
The pundit says that being Pennsylvanian, his  presidential  namesake  is  intimately familiar with the strategic importance of coal and the new-fangled  Titusville Rock Oil  in  sustaining   the  Age  of  Steam,  and  shares  the  Whig  Base's indigation at the impious suggestion that  God-given resources can somehow vitiate Scripture, and alter the Postdiluvocene climate.
In his  State Of The Union  message the President lamented  the coal states vulnerability to  alternative fuels touted by  Nantucket whaling magnates, Newfoundland seal-harvesters and other Northerners, and proposed a compromise, in which Kansas and  Missouri are admitted to the Union as whale oil free states.
"All for which the  States  have  ever contended, is  to be let alone and permitted to manage their domestic institutions in their own way. As sovereign States, they, and they alone, are responsible  before  God and  the world  for  the  bounty [of steam-coal ] existing  among  them.  For this the [whalers] of the North are not more responsible and have no more right to interfere than with similar resources and practices in Russia or in Brazil "
Citing oeconomic concerns that America is approaching Peak Wood, the  President  chided  Illinois  Congressman  Abraham  Lincoln  for being in thrall to rail-splitting interests, and dismissed his  suggestion that a  Presidential  Office Of Natural Philosophy Policy might be of advantage to the Executive, saying:
" What do you think I am, sir ! Some sort of Scientific Republican ? "
“It is beyond the power of any president, no matter what may be his own political proclivities, to restore  a return to [wood-burning] among the states. Wisely limited and restrained as is his power under our Constitution and laws, he alone can accomplish but little for good or for evil on such a momentous question.”
President  Buchanan  dismissed  testimonials to  Tyndall from Profs. Silliman of  Yale &  Agassiz of  Harvard  College  as the work of known Geognostics, who authored the disasterous  proposal to defend the Alamo by building a Quincy granite wall along the  Mexican Border, and originated specious  warming theories  based on the works of  Erasmus Darwin, and the French elitist & suspected Libertinarian Baron Fourier.

Freed from the onerous intelectual workload of  McLaughlin Group  broadcasts , Pat will now be able to tutor  the President  weekly, and expects  to continue  with  a briefing on  molecular biology,  as soon as the heliostatic semaphore internet brings word of the discovery of molecules from the Continent.