Sunday, May 10, 2015

WHEELS ON FIRE : The Heartland Special Climate Olympics

Promote Climateball™


  in Washngton D.C.

To make the climate wars more exciting and accessible, the Non-International  Pseudo-Climatology  Committee (NIPCC)  has organized a special olympiad for bloggers and think tank teams. 

In the ecumenical spirit of confusing number crunching and religion, these events for the Differently Facted and Otherwise Educated are open not only to Dominionist and Evangelical Climate Scientists, but Tridentine Warmists, Catholic & Hindu Communitarians, Discovery Institute stakeholders, Vouduns Vertes , carbon-offset Zoroastrians and Pharsees, Young Earth Scientologists, and members of The Church of the Singularity of the Latter Day Saints, better known as the Nanomormons.

TV sponsorship is sought for the following events:

The  Chariots  Of  Fire Prius Pentathelon

In this arduous paramilitary challenge, contestants race to recharge an electric vehicle stranded on an Atlantic iceberg. To do so they must 

1. Swim to Newfoundland with the vehicle's power cable
2. Scale the sea cliffs of St. John's to order an extension cord
3. Shoot the order clerk who says the plug is out of stock
4.Ski across the sea ice to a Labrador Walmart that has one
5. Wrestle it out of posession of the other contestants.

The Great Isotherm Race.
In this signature event for the Ontologically Deep and Terminally Othered, dysrophic contestants try to crawl Poleward faster than the rate of  global isotherm migration from CO2 forcing, in a race some hope could finish before the start of the 2024 Boston Olympics

The Solyndra House Of The Rising Sun Challenge Cup
In this event contestants traverse a vertical glass solar collector wall in an attempt to avoid incineration by the ascending image of the rising sun. Open to alternative energy lobbyists handicapped in proportion to their moral stature.

The Moulin Blues
This extreme ice water sport features two water polo teams vying to score goals before they are sucked into the blue maelstrom draining a melt water lake atop the Greenland icecap.

The  Hockey Stick Toss
In this exciting variant on an old Native American sport, a two-meter square of rubber graph paper is stretched between four hockey sticks and used to trampoline a TV weatherman skyward towards the tropopause. The first contestant to asphyxiate wins.

The Dryathelon
Sand Ski biatheletes face the tactical problem of pursuing a polar bear across Greenland’s new dunes to shoot it before anthropogenic drought induced thirst drives the beast to turn on its tormeners

The Inuit Amphibious Javelin Throw
This ambitious beach sport combines two popular events, the dwarf caber toss and quadriplegic harpooning, as swimmers strive  to  score points for accuracy by flinging a norwhal out of the water  towards a sandy bullseye to stick upright on its unicorn-like horn.

After  the Washington events, the games will adjourn to Africa, where the traditional pre-Paris Prime Meridian Climate Tug of War will center on the East Pole Olympic Village,( EPOV)  at Longitude Zulu on Ghana’s Gold Coast.

Directions to EPOV

From K-Street head East and turn your amphibious vehicle south  on the Prime Meridian until you arrive at the Equator, a venue chosen to show participants the absence of the hot spot that proves the falsity of bedwetting watermelon CAGWist views. 

To reduce energy costs and avoid framing issues, the Special Winter Climate Olympics will be held in midsummer on the Greenland Icecap, or the adjacent Arctic sea ice, if there is any.

To promote a high carbon capture lifestyle, food concessions at this Olympiad will feature salt and sugar-free fossil foods, like fresh-fracked anthracite, and lignite smoothies,

Bernstein’s Real Amber Ale, brewed from real Baltic amber will be available in the pub.